What does tough love mean to me? In the traditional sense, it means doing what is in the best interest of someone else…no matter how much it hurts you…because you love them.
It also means being there for someone no matter how painful it is for you, because you love them.
The first part makes sense, but let me elaborate on the second part. When interactions with a loved one rip your heart out because it hurts so much to see their suffering, but you push on because they need you. That is also tough love because you are doing what is in their best interest despite it killing you.
Stay strong Aimee. Love can sometimes be tough, and choosing the right thing to do for someone you love even tougher. Sending prayers, love and hugs your way. ❤️
Well said, as usual Aimee! You are wise beyond your years sometimes I feel. Your way with words make me wonder if you could expand on that and become a wordsmith?
Those are my feelings exactly my friend is in lots of pain and I can’t make him better i would love to be able to take his pain for a few hours a day it upsets me so much 💕💕💕🇬🇧
Love certainly can be tough. It requires sacrifice and compromise and devotion to loving people where they are, even if it isn’t where you want them to be. It also requires boundaries, which is where “tough love” comes in. That’s hard for me as I am a reconciler; I always want to fix relationships so drawing a line and letting go is a struggle for me. I always give second chances but I’ve come to understand that I can’t compromise my own integrity to keep a relationship “happy”. Lots to think about here, Graham, as loving people is a lifetime process. And I also look forward to the next life where love is no longer tough.
CATHEY SOMETIMES LETTING GO IS NECESSARY TO ALLOW SPACE AND IF THERE IS STILL A FLICKER IN THE RELATIONSHIP THE FIRE MAY KINDLE AND IF IT IS ALLOWED TO BEGIN TO BURN SO MAY THE RELATIONSHIP REKINDLE AS WELL. FAITH MUST BEGET PATIENCE FOR THIS TO HAPPEN!
I'm also a reconciliar, and I spent a lot of time making the relationships "happy". Now I'm learning that sometimes is better to let a relationship go, and that makes up the relationship healthier.
I am also a reconciler and I want relationships to be 'happy' too. It took me a long time to learn to set my boundaries. I thank Mathamagical for that. 💕
Graham, this makes me think of a certain time many years ago about some Tough Love my mother gave me. When I was a lot younger, my mother specifically told me, yes you could go and visit the guy I was dating at the time, but pack your bags and don't come back. Those were her very words. I know it probably hurt her to say those words to me. That was some Tough Love I personally received. Of course, I didn't like it at the time, but after I let it sink in, and reflecting on it, she was right. You can love someone so much as my mother did for me, but she had to say what she did to wake me up because I was likely headed down a dark path. She could see it, but I couldn't then. When I think back to that day, I am grateful she she did this because it probably saved my life. This brings tears to my eyes thinking about it. Yes, Tough Love is hard to give and receive, but sometimes necessary when you see someone getting hurt or headed down the wrong path as in my case.
Also, on the other side of this, it brought my mother and I closer over the years which I'm eternally grateful for. I've learned to be there to love and encourage my friends and family. Through her tough love, and my faith, I'm happy to be where I am now.
Thank you again Graham for this inspirational writing. Sending Blessings and Hugs to you and this community today!
Anne coming from a mom that had to do that with one of my sons. Let me tell you I cried for a week. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. My son tells me now that it was the best thing that ever happened to him.
I bet it was. I know it hurt mother having to say this, but I needed that jolt to break away from that. Family means everything and that’s what I would have lost if I stayed the course. Grateful that I didn’t. Glad your son is appreciative of that.
Graham…Your poem and explanation reminds me of my strained relationship with my brother who was my idol and who I loved very much. I won’t go into the reason but I was in pain for about 35 years during the time when our relationship was so terribly strained that we did not speak. This strained relationship also put a tremendous strain on our parents, especially our Mother who constantly prayed that we would reconcile our differences during her lifetime. My brother passed away New Year’s Eve 2015. Five years prior to his passing, I found out that he was very ill and was in the hospital. I told my wife that the time is now for me to reach out and attempt to rekindle our relationship…to show my love…because I did not want to attend his funeral service without trying to have relationship in his final days. I recall walking into his hospital room…my heart pounding…my stomach churning…and being extremely anxious. I approached his bedside and reached out and shook his hand…he placed his other hand on top of mine. Silence…but relief that he responded positively. That was the beginning of strengthening our “love for each other” relationship…the beginning of finding, as you describe Graham, peace, harmony…a reunion…which continued until his passing. During those last five years, we dined together…held communion in his home…and visited our Mother together when he told her his illness was terminal but he was at peace and loved her. While she was sad I know our Mother felt comfort in seeing us together. Our final time together was the week following Christmas in 2015 when he asked me and my wife to go with his family on their annual after Christmas vacation to a North Carolina beach. We went and I am so glad we had some quality time together. On the second night I sat beside his bed…held his hand…and listened to him talk our childhood days when he pitched baseball with me and shared a bedroom. I was 10 years younger so those times were special. He wanted to know if I remembered those times. Of course I did. He was reminiscing as we both knew his time was near. A special time for me right then. But the next morning his condition had progressively worsened. I knew we had to get him home and so that night he was taken by ambulance back to Richmond…raining hard…but we arrived by midnight. Once I got him settled in bed he said…Danny will you get me a cold Michelob Ultra. And so that was our last time together…drinking a cold beer. Such an emotional but satisfying moment for me. He passed away the following day. I can take satisfaction in the fact that our relationship will continue after my life on this precious earth because, with his blessing, my ashes will be placed in a niche directly below his niche at the Columbarium at the University of Richmond where we both graduated.
So I say to anyone who reads my rekindled love relationship story here, reach deep into your heart for the courage to rekindle a strained relationship with someone you love even though it may seem tough. Take that leap of hope and faith as Graham describes. I was scared to but I’m glad that God gave me courage to initiate that hospital visit with my brother. How blessed I’ve been to have done so and today I remain very close to my brother’s family.
Graham…thank you for inspiring me to tell this story. You have done more than anyone I know to influence me to find my truth and to open up about who I am,
finally at age 75. Bless you and thank you for my journey with you.🙏
Graham I am pleased that you liked my comment on your poem…you deserve the credit for giving me the courage to share my strained but finally rekindled relationship with my brother.
Danny …. I found myself silently weeping while reading your emotional story here. I feel the pain you were in without any description of the reasons for the estrangement. After so many years apart I can imagine how much courage it took to walk through that hospital room door not knowing how your brother would respond.
I am also estranged from my brother over a matter involving his treatment of our mother. I do not know how that story will play out but I have tried to move forward. He refused. What I learned is that we cannot control what another person does-we can only act in our own truth and love. You had no ability to know your brother would welcome you back in his life but you knew the time had come for you to welcome him back. Thank you for sharing with us. Speaking for myself, I am so appreciative of the lessons of your journey. I love that your Mother had her fervent wish fulfilled. 💜🙏🏻
Thank you Sherry…I hope in time that you and your brother can set your differences aside and start anew to build a long lasting relationship filled with love and harmony. Don’t give up.🙏
What a beautiful and special story! I’m so glad you were able to rekindle the relationship with your brother before he passed away.Thanks so much for sharing your story Danny 🙏❤️
Tough love ? Love is very tough with humans as I love everyone I cross path with.Then they hurt you with words not intentionally so these is where I call “Tough Love”. I do give them few chances once they broke their trust I walk away to keep my integrity. My toughest moment we’re watching my husband take all of my frustrations after my failed surgeries to take me away somewhere to another clinic. I was very angry with life and everything else as I couldn’t speak etc. I am a very out going human being travel all over the world for medical missions and I love life until my illness and I was on denial. I didn’t realize after almost a year that my husband has to be tough loving me to decide to bring me away from our family to seek treatments and therapy. I struggle so much that I keep pushing him away and telling him how could you love me ? for a fact I have no face and I told him I don’t want to burden him to take care of me.He just hug me and tears rolling and hand me my bible and said breath everything is going to be alright.He whispered and said above all this you are still the same woman that God gifted me as I promised to love you til death do us part. As he keeps reminding myself you are the same, your heart and everything else the rest are all superficial.He did the toughest decision to get me to a clinic that change my life it’s a slow process but I am here still living the best of my life. This I called it tough love as he sacrificed everything for me because he loves me for me.
Lucy, you, your husband & family are very special people. What you have been through has really tested you all. But your love has withstood all & your story is so inspiring. I wish you & your family all the very best. 🙏💖
TY for sharing this experience. Has taught me such love exists. I've had no trust this exists here in the world. Developed a rather banal, resigned outlook. Relationships, for me, at best briefly rewarding, then disappointing or hurtful. I know such reflects my own internal inadequacies and lack of self trust. Whew. Much surfaced w this. Your experience has touched me giving hope for such a thing. Allows me to live in a different way. Thank you Lucy. And thank you Graham.
Your welcome Sue , God gifted me an amazing human that will take care forever how long until I am all done. We have been blessed of 42 years of marriage and more we hope.🙏
Boy did this one ever hit home. My grandson lived with me and was on drugs big time but being the naive g'ma I refused to see it. His mother did, had him picked up by the police and taken to 3 day detox. He was told there he could not come back to my house. I didn't feel I could go against my daughter, so I reluctantly agreed She was the one dispersing tough love, not me. So he ended up on the streets, eating out of garbage cans. I remember once putting sandwiches on the outside door knob so he could pick them up. By the grace of God, he is today doing well and thanks his mom constantly for being so strong.. During all those years in and out of jail, in a druggie stupor ,he knew he was loved and when he finally got his act together, he came back to us.
Thanks Christine. They were indeed difficult years, fearing each time the phone rang it was going to be telling us of his death. But he was hurting as much as we were. Addiction is a terrible thing.
My adult daughter has an ongoing struggle with a mental health disease. Recently she needed me to utilize tough love to convince her she needed to be hospitalized for her own safety and care. She did and is getting help and better. I wanted to just hug her and tell her everything will be ok and continue to shelter her from the demons .. I feel it was a bit of tough love on myself and on her. Love is a fabulous feeling to have and I wish it came easily to all. I had to reach down inside my self to find strength and conjure up the "tough" love she unknowingly needed .
I had to use tough love to convince my Mom that she needed to be hospitalized for any chance at recovery. I wanted to be the one to care for her but it reached a point I couldn’t do it anymore.
i knew my words were not reaching a part of her that they needed to. So I decided in the best of her wellbeing to convince her to seek help... Hopefully the professionals can reach and help her and I will continue to love her and offer shelter and a soft place as needed.
Aimee: sending you hugs 🤗 virtually. It is heart wrenching to have to change positions with aging parents and be the advocate and adult dealing with health challenges when we are still their small child in our hearts . I know. 🙏🏻💜
Thanks for sharing. I truly believe my mother felt the same way when she gave me that tough love a long time ago. It probably saved my life. Being on the receiving side, it was tough to hear and receive but I'm eternally grateful.
Good on you Bonnie for doing what needed to be done. I can feel how you struggled and just want to say how brave you were. So glad your daughter is getting the help she needed. All the very best. 🙏
Well ..tough love is a tough one for me to me I think of tough love with your kids setting boundaries which I had to do many times as they where growing up but I’ve also had to do it with my older sibling many a time I’ve had to set boundaries with her as much as I love her. She can be a bully, judgemental and opinionated which I’ve had to accept most of my life with her as she rode roughshod over me so many a time I’ve had to distance myself from her and set boundaries and she would keep pulling me back in and I would go for it and she would start again so I’ve set my boundaries with her but she is a lot older than me and it’s a delicate balance because I love her and life isn’t forever ❤️
I’m so proud of you for setting those boundaries. It can be very difficult to do that especially with family. We had to do it with my nephew and it was heartbreaking at times. Much love to you. ❤️
Often keeping your distance is hard however if you continually allow the abuser to push your buttons they will continue to feed off of this reaction. The tough love is to not allow that person to push your buttons. Smile give them the minimal attention and reaction, then keep your boundaries! If you do not they will continue to rip you apart. Someday, they will finally realize and maybe then, the wounds can be able to heal. If not, as Graham says, you can reconcile on the other side. That may be the only hope that can sustain you moving forward.
I understand your struggle. It's so hard with a family member to set boundaries. It is a delicate balance, but don't be hard on yourself. You health & well-being come first. You need to protect yourself. 🙏
How hard this must be for you Halina. There are bullies in all areas of our life and having your sister being one of them has to tug at you from all directions. Someone once told me to say "I just don't have the energy to talk right now" instead of ignoring the message. I can't imagine how you feel having someone so close to you trying to hurt you like this. Take care of you.
I can relate halina to how your sibling treats you I have a older sibling (middle child) that is very opinionated and “bossy” she is a controlling person, we had words early this month and still are not speaking now my younger sister & I keep our distance. It’s always been a tough love with her, even her two daughters have to give her some tough love at times. We have to keep the balance with these type of people.
It was tough to love my Mom. And even now when I say that I feel ashamed. When you are just a young girl and you are scared to walk into the door after school because you don't know what you'll find there...well it's tough. Mom was an alcoholic. She was beautiful and her smile was awesome...she got dressed up so pretty to go out with my Dad and her friends. But she hid behind that facade. That outer world didn't see her like I did. They didn't see her cocktail for breakfast, lunch and dinner. They didn't see the rage she had at even the slightest thing.
I tried to disappear. Not make any noise so maybe she would forget I was there. I got great grades and didn't get in trouble. But there was always a trigger to set her off. She verbally and physically hurt me.
As a teen I tried to tell her that she needed help. That her drinking made her mean. And there were snippets of time where she actually tried to give it up. And I was able to see her smile in a different way...although always cautious. But those times were few and my trust was gone.
After I was married I remember talking to her on the phone and she would end the call by saying I love you to me... And I couldn't say it back. I would hang up the phone and feel bad the whole day. I couldn't say it back to her. But we're supposed to love our mother.
Low and behold on my mother's birthday in 1979 my daughter was born. She was six weeks early. I was so happy to be a Mom but now my daughter's birthday was on the same day as hers. God has a sense of humor of sorts or I guess He was reminding me of how love feels differently in each circumstance. I adored this precious little girl. Did my mother feel the same way when she held me for the first time? I'm certain she did. She hadn't started drinking when I was born. She probably had the same hopes and dreams for me as I had for my daughter. That is the love I hold on to for my mother. She died very young...she was 57. Liver failure.
Now every day I pray that I can forgive my mother. I pray each day to open my heart to her so I can forgive her. She was sick. I know that now. And I hope God can forgive me for withholding my love from her while she was here. I have hope too that when we meet again in the afterlife I will run into her arms and feel the love flow between us that I had yearned for all my life.
Barbara - Forgiveness is hard, but I pray and hope that you can. I held regrets and resentments towards my parents, and when I finally was ready and asked God to forgive me and for me to forgive myself, the release was unbelievable. Praying that you can do this for yourself. God will forgive you, just ask him! He did it for me as I shared several weeks ago. It's not easy! Sending prayers and blessings to you today!
Thank you Anne for your prayers. Many layers have been shed through the years through prayer. As I get closer to my reunion with my Mom I believe with all my heart that God will answer with his love for both of us.
Barb, God has already forgiven you. That’s what is so amazing. When my sister died 5yrs ago I blamed her husband. I actually wanted to go up to him at the hospital and really slap him. Then I realize would it make me feel good or bad. Last year my mom and I talked and she made me realize as well she had to ask for forgiveness as she to had blamed him for her death. I asked God that night to forgive me. It wasn’t his fault really death happens. It’s God who choose on the day that your born when you come in this world and when you go home. God forgave me that night and I’m so happy he did. When you see your mom in heaven take her hand squeeze it and tell her how much you love her. It’s worth it and till then talk to her. She heard you if you listened hard enough she will answer you as well.
Thank you Shari for your encouragement and sharing your story. Back in those days viewing alcoholism as a disease wasn't really out in the open. No google, internet stories to hear what others went through. I felt alone and only saw my friends' mothers who didn't seem to have this issue. Now I can see what it was and open my heart to see her demons. I'm not all the way there but I will continue to ask God to lead my way.
Barbara I feel your feeling right through my heart I was in the same situation as you were when I was younger. I lost my dad at the age of 7 so I had to dwell on my mom to finish raising me. I had a very hard life living with her from this day I feel so ashamed of how I treated her now that she had passed I have many regrets that I can’t take back. She was not a mom that when she tuck you in bed to say good night I love you she would just say sleep tight see you when you wake I would lye in my bed crying my heart knowing that I wasn’t loved and hearing my friends parents tell them mom loves it just ripped my heart out.so I said one day to mom how come you never tell me that you love me.she look at me and said when you show respect to me I will respect and love you. I took those words right to my heart and boy did it ever make me realize what respect was. So I feel terribly ashame of how I treated my mom I pray every day I wish she was here. So every occasion I would go out to the cemetery and sit with her have a talk and tell her how much I love you and miss you. I know I can’t take back tough love from my pass but I do now that I can share all my love to everyone. May gods bless you Barbara and know in your heart that god has already forgiven you I know he did for me and I thank him every day of my life.
We were children Roxanne as Joan has gently reminded me here. We looked to our parents for love. But in their lives they were hurt and their wounds affected us. We both are sadly ashamed of how we responded to our mothers in life. Now we are in on the path of forgiveness through prayer and an intention to repair the wounds of the past. I'm confident that our intentions are heard and that God show us the path to our mother's love when we meet them again.
Absolutely true I’m a true believer when it come to this god has accepted our pass and now he has forgiven us for our future. I’m not religious but I do believe in the one above us.I look up to him every day of my life because he was the one that made me a better person today.
Great story Barbara, but sad for you to grow up in that environment. It certainly seems like you dealt with it very well. When I read the stories from so many of the people here I feel grateful that I never had to experience that kind of heartache in my life. I am also grateful that you and so many others rose above it all and found peace and forgiveness in you life. ❤❤
I can really relate to your story. You feel so conflicted between love & hate. I know the guilt you wrote about & I still struggle with that. It sounds like you are going on a journey of discovery & forgiveness. I wish you all the very best. 🙏
Oh, Barbara. How I feel for you. A child should find love with their parents but tragically, this does not always happen. It is such a betrayal of the parent- child relationship. Sometimes our parents carry such deep wounds themselves they look to release their pain in whatever way they can. This can manifest in addiction. You have such clarity in understanding that your mother was alcoholic, was sick. In her sickness she wounded you. There is the beginning of healing in this understanding. You desire forgiveness of your mother and yourself. You are on the path. May you find the special freedom that comes with forgiveness.
Joan, your words mean so much to me. You somehow looked into the window of my childhood and saw how I felt then but wasn't mature enough to quite understand why. I'm grateful to you for taking the time to help me see my wounded child and for extending me grace in my journey toward forgiveness and ultimately the love God always intended for us.
Barbara, You are kind, strong and gracious. Years ago a wise woman told me that in times of pain and confusion I could always tap into the vision of our loving God providing comfort and solace. I have envisioned myself as a wounded child being embraced in the loving arms of God, a God that is there for us always. It is a source of great peace and comfort.
This vision comforts me Joan. I will borrow your wise woman's message in my journey through this pain and confusion. Thank you for sharing that with me.
I might put a bit of a slight different spin on this one...I feel I have to give myself tough love first. Whether that is distancing myself from someone that is toxic, leaving a situation that is not uplifting, or even changing a habit that is harmful. I do feel that grace from God gives me the strength to put boundaries in place for myself and then I can begin to put boundaries in place with others. Filling my bucket first and then being able to fill someone else's bucket is key to genuine love. Filling someone's cup may mean that you are having to be tough when you love them. I have had this personally with my two daughters many times. Many tears in my bed, in my car and in the shower crying out to God to give me the strength to love them with grace. Tough love comes from a place of vulnerability. If I am honest with myself, then I can reach deep to love another with open arms even when I am not loved back. In Donny Mac's song, "Teach Me to Love" rings true when I think of tough love..."I'm afraid to love those who keep breaking my heart." I have to rise above the fear with God's strength to love others even when it is the toughest thing to do! Blessings to all as we all gain strength daily and even minute by minute many days.💪 💝
Hi Graham, Thank you for sharing this tender message of love. It seeped into my aching heart. The phrase “tough love” to me has always been such a contrast. Limits and boundaries, restricted. Unconditional love does have “conditions” or restrictions at times. I know the pain of tough love both in giving and receiving. Love shouldn’t be hard, but in reality at times it is. I reflect this morning on 1 Corinthians - Love is patient, is kind, does not envy, does not boast, is not rude……and place Tough Love at the beginning of each sentence, Tough love is patient, Tough love is kind, Tough love does not envy, Tough love does not boast….
To love and be loved is the ultimate gift. For you to love this community and express it, is precious. Again, thank you, much love to you and all who rest their hearts here. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
When I think of tough love so many thoughts come to mind. But the one that stands out is the idea of being strong enough to let go of someone you love because you understand it’s what is best for both of you. You finally realize that you cannot force the changes that are needed and nothing will get better until that person is ready for it to happen.
Several years ago my oldest nephew became addicted to pain medication after an injury playing basketball. It started slowly and if any of the family noticed, we chose to ignore it. We couldn’t believe our smart, athletic young man would ever get involved with drugs. As time went by the addiction grew and we tried to get him into rehab but he wasn’t interested. So, we tried to “help” by looking the other way and hoping it would get better because he always told us he would stop. After a few years of him neglecting his family, using his grandmother’s credit card without permission, spending time in jail and us paying for lawyers we realized it couldn’t go on. He wasn’t ready to do what was necessary to make himself well. We, as a family, decided we had to walk away because it was badly affecting all of us. That was a very difficult thing to do.
Almost a year ago, after five years of no contact with him and countless prayers for healing he contacted me. He apologized for everything he put us through, said he missed our very close family and wanted to try and win back our trust. He had been in rehab for several months and was now working for an amazing Christian man. At that time he had been clean and sober 14 months.
My family has established contact again and things are going well so far. But trust has been slow to return and he understands that. He remains clean and sober at this time. The tough love was a very difficult choice for all of us but thankfully we’ve seen positive results.
Leigh, my family had to make the same decision with my addicted grandson. It was so hard to know he was on the street, eating out of garbage cans but we could no longer tolerate the lies, the stealing, emotional abuse so we had to let him go. Though you want to trust, there is a nibbling in the brain that just won't turn loose completely. My grandson has been clean for 3 years so I share your joy in the recovery. We, and they ,have to live one day at a time praying that God will give them the continued strength to move forward.....Thanks for sharing your story.
I get exactly what you are saying Leigh. I experienced the same type of issue with a family member. Boundaries (Tough Love) had to be set. In fact I had to be the one to set them after our mother passed. It is SO hard but a must.
Tough Love how can I relate to this ?? I had to think back some and then the most obvious hit me. My Mom was a smoker, something that I despised and never did in my life. At a point in her later life she began to experience bout after bout of bronchitis
I tried so hard to convince her " Mom you have got to quit smoking ". I raised my voice and got downright mean with her. Didn't help. She was so blind to it all I couldn't convince her. So now those bronchitis bouts turned into pneumonia. Again tough love I got REALLY mean an yelled at her and I cried with her .Normally I would never speak to my mother that way but I was so desperate to get through to her. I thought if I could scare her maybe I could help her to understand. I was only 13yrs old when my Father died and I wasn't ready to lose my Mother. She did eventually quit but it was too late for now she had progressed to emphysema on continuous oxygen. She suffered and died long before she should have and I feel like we missed out on time we could have spent together with all the grandchildren. God does all things for a reason but sometimes it is truly hard to understand why. We just have to BELIEVE!!
So sorry for your loss. I had a friend who had cancer from smoking & she continued to smoke during her treatments etc. It's so hard when they don't listen to reason, so I can empathise with you. I gave her some tough love, but unfortunately it didn't work & she ended up dying. I wish I could've done more, but we can only try our best. As you wrote, 'God does all things for a reason'. Take care. 🙏
Just read your poem but not listened to video yet as I'm out. Oh goodness I totally get this. I have been that person, the one who loves too much and too well, too tightly, too overwhelming. My eldest son has tried hard to break free and has married 3 times - he is still searching outside himself for that love even now, even though I've set him free. He doesn't know he is free. The door of his prison is open - he still has to fly. My own trauma has caused me to become everyone's 'savoiur' and not my own! Now I totally understand and have offered myself the love that I've so freely given to others. Now my boundaries are set, and they have been challenged in so many ways the past month- yet I am standing firm. I am becoming wholly my true self. It is so freeing. My prayer is that the Light I have found will overflow in service to the world. You have helped me more than you will ever know. Many blessings 🙌 and love ❤
TOUGH LOVE CAN BRING YOU CLOSER TO SOMEONE AND THEN BOUNDARIES NEED TO BE ENFORCED. IF YOU NEED TO BACK OFF DO SO WITH THE PERSON IN YOUR REAR VIEW MIRROR SO THAT YOU NEVER LOSE SIGHT OF THEM. OFTEN THE PAIN THAT YOU FEEL IS MORE INTENSE THAN THE PERSON YOU ARE SHOWING TOUGH LOVE FEELS. THAT IS OK. PAIN IS NECESSARY TO WARN, TO MAKE THE PRESENT REAL AND THEN TO HEAL. NEVER GIVE UP JUST BACKOFF.
That is exactly how I felt many years when my mother said those words to me! I know it hurt her to say those words to me than what I felt. She loved me that much to say them.
Now Graham Wardle I just hung up the phone from my brother I got him crying on the other end he was so blessed to hear that from me just now he said Roxanne my heart is so full right now to hear you say I love you. And I truly loves him with all my heart and soul. I feel you should tell everyone that they are loved because it make that person feel so great that you had touch there heart today. Now I have to make a call to my other 2 brothers and make them cry to. I just have so much love for my 3 brothers.❤️❤️❤️💜💜💜
What does tough love mean to me? In the traditional sense, it means doing what is in the best interest of someone else…no matter how much it hurts you…because you love them.
It also means being there for someone no matter how painful it is for you, because you love them.
The first part makes sense, but let me elaborate on the second part. When interactions with a loved one rip your heart out because it hurts so much to see their suffering, but you push on because they need you. That is also tough love because you are doing what is in their best interest despite it killing you.
I feel you wrote my feelings about this for me.. thank you for your wisdom
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Tough love can be stubborn and persistent... It's an art of living not to drown in it💕
That is so true!❤️
Stay strong Aimee. Love can sometimes be tough, and choosing the right thing to do for someone you love even tougher. Sending prayers, love and hugs your way. ❤️
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So true Aimee. Know exactly what you mean.
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I'm glad you are sharing your writing over on your own page - I'm enjoying reading your thoughts! You are wonderfully creative.
Thank you Cathey, that makes my day ☺️Love ya!
Well said, as usual Aimee! You are wise beyond your years sometimes I feel. Your way with words make me wonder if you could expand on that and become a wordsmith?
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Love this!! ❤🙏
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Those are my feelings exactly my friend is in lots of pain and I can’t make him better i would love to be able to take his pain for a few hours a day it upsets me so much 💕💕💕🇬🇧
I feel that😔I would love to take my Moms pain for a little while, and anxiety, so she could have some relief.
Love certainly can be tough. It requires sacrifice and compromise and devotion to loving people where they are, even if it isn’t where you want them to be. It also requires boundaries, which is where “tough love” comes in. That’s hard for me as I am a reconciler; I always want to fix relationships so drawing a line and letting go is a struggle for me. I always give second chances but I’ve come to understand that I can’t compromise my own integrity to keep a relationship “happy”. Lots to think about here, Graham, as loving people is a lifetime process. And I also look forward to the next life where love is no longer tough.
CATHEY SOMETIMES LETTING GO IS NECESSARY TO ALLOW SPACE AND IF THERE IS STILL A FLICKER IN THE RELATIONSHIP THE FIRE MAY KINDLE AND IF IT IS ALLOWED TO BEGIN TO BURN SO MAY THE RELATIONSHIP REKINDLE AS WELL. FAITH MUST BEGET PATIENCE FOR THIS TO HAPPEN!
I love that you point out that letting go may not be the end, but just a break and that there's always a chance to reconcile, God willing.
Know how hard it is to let go especially when boundaries are crossed. But in the end, your well-being comes first. 🙏💖
You are right, but I always have hope for people. People can change, but sometimes they don't.
I'm also a reconciliar, and I spent a lot of time making the relationships "happy". Now I'm learning that sometimes is better to let a relationship go, and that makes up the relationship healthier.
So hard, but yes.... ❤
This is why I enjoy what you write.
Thank you, Lucinda!
You are welcome Cathey. Maybe because of our past we can see the hearts of each other.
I am also a reconciler and I want relationships to be 'happy' too. It took me a long time to learn to set my boundaries. I thank Mathamagical for that. 💕
Boundaries. So necessary, but so hard. I'm getting there.
I struggle in that area as well
Graham, this makes me think of a certain time many years ago about some Tough Love my mother gave me. When I was a lot younger, my mother specifically told me, yes you could go and visit the guy I was dating at the time, but pack your bags and don't come back. Those were her very words. I know it probably hurt her to say those words to me. That was some Tough Love I personally received. Of course, I didn't like it at the time, but after I let it sink in, and reflecting on it, she was right. You can love someone so much as my mother did for me, but she had to say what she did to wake me up because I was likely headed down a dark path. She could see it, but I couldn't then. When I think back to that day, I am grateful she she did this because it probably saved my life. This brings tears to my eyes thinking about it. Yes, Tough Love is hard to give and receive, but sometimes necessary when you see someone getting hurt or headed down the wrong path as in my case.
Also, on the other side of this, it brought my mother and I closer over the years which I'm eternally grateful for. I've learned to be there to love and encourage my friends and family. Through her tough love, and my faith, I'm happy to be where I am now.
Thank you again Graham for this inspirational writing. Sending Blessings and Hugs to you and this community today!
Thank God for the tough love that never gives up and can save lives 💕
Amen Bie!
You are a good soul! I am sure that was hard for your mother as well as you. Thank God for a mother's love.
Anne coming from a mom that had to do that with one of my sons. Let me tell you I cried for a week. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. My son tells me now that it was the best thing that ever happened to him.
I bet it was. I know it hurt mother having to say this, but I needed that jolt to break away from that. Family means everything and that’s what I would have lost if I stayed the course. Grateful that I didn’t. Glad your son is appreciative of that.
What your mum did would've been so hard, but in your best interests. I'm so happy it all worked out & that your relationship grew stronger after that.
Thanks Christine! I think it was harder for her to say that than me receiving it.
Graham…Your poem and explanation reminds me of my strained relationship with my brother who was my idol and who I loved very much. I won’t go into the reason but I was in pain for about 35 years during the time when our relationship was so terribly strained that we did not speak. This strained relationship also put a tremendous strain on our parents, especially our Mother who constantly prayed that we would reconcile our differences during her lifetime. My brother passed away New Year’s Eve 2015. Five years prior to his passing, I found out that he was very ill and was in the hospital. I told my wife that the time is now for me to reach out and attempt to rekindle our relationship…to show my love…because I did not want to attend his funeral service without trying to have relationship in his final days. I recall walking into his hospital room…my heart pounding…my stomach churning…and being extremely anxious. I approached his bedside and reached out and shook his hand…he placed his other hand on top of mine. Silence…but relief that he responded positively. That was the beginning of strengthening our “love for each other” relationship…the beginning of finding, as you describe Graham, peace, harmony…a reunion…which continued until his passing. During those last five years, we dined together…held communion in his home…and visited our Mother together when he told her his illness was terminal but he was at peace and loved her. While she was sad I know our Mother felt comfort in seeing us together. Our final time together was the week following Christmas in 2015 when he asked me and my wife to go with his family on their annual after Christmas vacation to a North Carolina beach. We went and I am so glad we had some quality time together. On the second night I sat beside his bed…held his hand…and listened to him talk our childhood days when he pitched baseball with me and shared a bedroom. I was 10 years younger so those times were special. He wanted to know if I remembered those times. Of course I did. He was reminiscing as we both knew his time was near. A special time for me right then. But the next morning his condition had progressively worsened. I knew we had to get him home and so that night he was taken by ambulance back to Richmond…raining hard…but we arrived by midnight. Once I got him settled in bed he said…Danny will you get me a cold Michelob Ultra. And so that was our last time together…drinking a cold beer. Such an emotional but satisfying moment for me. He passed away the following day. I can take satisfaction in the fact that our relationship will continue after my life on this precious earth because, with his blessing, my ashes will be placed in a niche directly below his niche at the Columbarium at the University of Richmond where we both graduated.
So I say to anyone who reads my rekindled love relationship story here, reach deep into your heart for the courage to rekindle a strained relationship with someone you love even though it may seem tough. Take that leap of hope and faith as Graham describes. I was scared to but I’m glad that God gave me courage to initiate that hospital visit with my brother. How blessed I’ve been to have done so and today I remain very close to my brother’s family.
Graham…thank you for inspiring me to tell this story. You have done more than anyone I know to influence me to find my truth and to open up about who I am,
finally at age 75. Bless you and thank you for my journey with you.🙏
Danny Payne
Sorry this is so lengthy.
Graham I am pleased that you liked my comment on your poem…you deserve the credit for giving me the courage to share my strained but finally rekindled relationship with my brother.
Danny …. I found myself silently weeping while reading your emotional story here. I feel the pain you were in without any description of the reasons for the estrangement. After so many years apart I can imagine how much courage it took to walk through that hospital room door not knowing how your brother would respond.
I am also estranged from my brother over a matter involving his treatment of our mother. I do not know how that story will play out but I have tried to move forward. He refused. What I learned is that we cannot control what another person does-we can only act in our own truth and love. You had no ability to know your brother would welcome you back in his life but you knew the time had come for you to welcome him back. Thank you for sharing with us. Speaking for myself, I am so appreciative of the lessons of your journey. I love that your Mother had her fervent wish fulfilled. 💜🙏🏻
Thank you Sherry…I hope in time that you and your brother can set your differences aside and start anew to build a long lasting relationship filled with love and harmony. Don’t give up.🙏
There is always that prayer. As Graham said, some resolution can be had in the time after this life. The desire must be mutual. 🙏🏻💜
What a beautiful and special story! I’m so glad you were able to rekindle the relationship with your brother before he passed away.Thanks so much for sharing your story Danny 🙏❤️
Thanks Irene…I give Graham the credit for inspiring me to share this story. A blessed memory for me.🙏
Thank you for sharing this dear story. ❤️
Thanks Tricia…I give the credit to Graham for inspiring me to write it.🙏
Tbank you for sharing your story Danny. ❤
Thanks Anna…it Graham who inspired me to share it…so blessed that we rekindled our relationship after so many years of not communicating.🙏
Danny, I always enjoy your comments! So glad you were able to rekindle that relationship with your brother! I can tell this was truly special for you!
Thank you Anne. It was and still is a special moment in my life.🙏
Tough love ? Love is very tough with humans as I love everyone I cross path with.Then they hurt you with words not intentionally so these is where I call “Tough Love”. I do give them few chances once they broke their trust I walk away to keep my integrity. My toughest moment we’re watching my husband take all of my frustrations after my failed surgeries to take me away somewhere to another clinic. I was very angry with life and everything else as I couldn’t speak etc. I am a very out going human being travel all over the world for medical missions and I love life until my illness and I was on denial. I didn’t realize after almost a year that my husband has to be tough loving me to decide to bring me away from our family to seek treatments and therapy. I struggle so much that I keep pushing him away and telling him how could you love me ? for a fact I have no face and I told him I don’t want to burden him to take care of me.He just hug me and tears rolling and hand me my bible and said breath everything is going to be alright.He whispered and said above all this you are still the same woman that God gifted me as I promised to love you til death do us part. As he keeps reminding myself you are the same, your heart and everything else the rest are all superficial.He did the toughest decision to get me to a clinic that change my life it’s a slow process but I am here still living the best of my life. This I called it tough love as he sacrificed everything for me because he loves me for me.
Lucy, you, your husband & family are very special people. What you have been through has really tested you all. But your love has withstood all & your story is so inspiring. I wish you & your family all the very best. 🙏💖
Thank you so much it’s not easy and I am striving everyday ❤️
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Great testimony, love can do everything.
Thank you🙏
TY for sharing this experience. Has taught me such love exists. I've had no trust this exists here in the world. Developed a rather banal, resigned outlook. Relationships, for me, at best briefly rewarding, then disappointing or hurtful. I know such reflects my own internal inadequacies and lack of self trust. Whew. Much surfaced w this. Your experience has touched me giving hope for such a thing. Allows me to live in a different way. Thank you Lucy. And thank you Graham.
Your welcome Sue , God gifted me an amazing human that will take care forever how long until I am all done. We have been blessed of 42 years of marriage and more we hope.🙏
Beautiful story of what love is
God certainly put the right man in your life! ❤
Wow. Your story is all about tough love. Love you my friend!
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Boy did this one ever hit home. My grandson lived with me and was on drugs big time but being the naive g'ma I refused to see it. His mother did, had him picked up by the police and taken to 3 day detox. He was told there he could not come back to my house. I didn't feel I could go against my daughter, so I reluctantly agreed She was the one dispersing tough love, not me. So he ended up on the streets, eating out of garbage cans. I remember once putting sandwiches on the outside door knob so he could pick them up. By the grace of God, he is today doing well and thanks his mom constantly for being so strong.. During all those years in and out of jail, in a druggie stupor ,he knew he was loved and when he finally got his act together, he came back to us.
Such a difficult thing to go through. I'm so glad it all has worked out. 🙏
Thanks Christine. They were indeed difficult years, fearing each time the phone rang it was going to be telling us of his death. But he was hurting as much as we were. Addiction is a terrible thing.
My adult daughter has an ongoing struggle with a mental health disease. Recently she needed me to utilize tough love to convince her she needed to be hospitalized for her own safety and care. She did and is getting help and better. I wanted to just hug her and tell her everything will be ok and continue to shelter her from the demons .. I feel it was a bit of tough love on myself and on her. Love is a fabulous feeling to have and I wish it came easily to all. I had to reach down inside my self to find strength and conjure up the "tough" love she unknowingly needed .
I had to use tough love to convince my Mom that she needed to be hospitalized for any chance at recovery. I wanted to be the one to care for her but it reached a point I couldn’t do it anymore.
i knew my words were not reaching a part of her that they needed to. So I decided in the best of her wellbeing to convince her to seek help... Hopefully the professionals can reach and help her and I will continue to love her and offer shelter and a soft place as needed.
Then that’s perfect tough ❤️
Aimee: sending you hugs 🤗 virtually. It is heart wrenching to have to change positions with aging parents and be the advocate and adult dealing with health challenges when we are still their small child in our hearts . I know. 🙏🏻💜
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Stay strong, don’t give up Aimee .❤️
Thanks for sharing. I truly believe my mother felt the same way when she gave me that tough love a long time ago. It probably saved my life. Being on the receiving side, it was tough to hear and receive but I'm eternally grateful.
I’m so glad she’s getting help and doing better. Sometimes it can be so difficult to make those hard decisions when our kids are involved. ❤️
Good on you Bonnie for doing what needed to be done. I can feel how you struggled and just want to say how brave you were. So glad your daughter is getting the help she needed. All the very best. 🙏
I hole out all kinds of hope and pray that LOVE will be enough .
Well ..tough love is a tough one for me to me I think of tough love with your kids setting boundaries which I had to do many times as they where growing up but I’ve also had to do it with my older sibling many a time I’ve had to set boundaries with her as much as I love her. She can be a bully, judgemental and opinionated which I’ve had to accept most of my life with her as she rode roughshod over me so many a time I’ve had to distance myself from her and set boundaries and she would keep pulling me back in and I would go for it and she would start again so I’ve set my boundaries with her but she is a lot older than me and it’s a delicate balance because I love her and life isn’t forever ❤️
I’m so proud of you for setting those boundaries. It can be very difficult to do that especially with family. We had to do it with my nephew and it was heartbreaking at times. Much love to you. ❤️
Often keeping your distance is hard however if you continually allow the abuser to push your buttons they will continue to feed off of this reaction. The tough love is to not allow that person to push your buttons. Smile give them the minimal attention and reaction, then keep your boundaries! If you do not they will continue to rip you apart. Someday, they will finally realize and maybe then, the wounds can be able to heal. If not, as Graham says, you can reconcile on the other side. That may be the only hope that can sustain you moving forward.
Proud of you for holding those boundaries! I too have an older sibling with whom the relationship requires boundaries in that way.
I understand your struggle. It's so hard with a family member to set boundaries. It is a delicate balance, but don't be hard on yourself. You health & well-being come first. You need to protect yourself. 🙏
It is good to keep the balance between loving her and loving yourself. Life is short and love is always the answer💕
How hard this must be for you Halina. There are bullies in all areas of our life and having your sister being one of them has to tug at you from all directions. Someone once told me to say "I just don't have the energy to talk right now" instead of ignoring the message. I can't imagine how you feel having someone so close to you trying to hurt you like this. Take care of you.
Your older sister sounds a lot like mine - I totally get it. Hang in there.
I can relate halina to how your sibling treats you I have a older sibling (middle child) that is very opinionated and “bossy” she is a controlling person, we had words early this month and still are not speaking now my younger sister & I keep our distance. It’s always been a tough love with her, even her two daughters have to give her some tough love at times. We have to keep the balance with these type of people.
It was tough to love my Mom. And even now when I say that I feel ashamed. When you are just a young girl and you are scared to walk into the door after school because you don't know what you'll find there...well it's tough. Mom was an alcoholic. She was beautiful and her smile was awesome...she got dressed up so pretty to go out with my Dad and her friends. But she hid behind that facade. That outer world didn't see her like I did. They didn't see her cocktail for breakfast, lunch and dinner. They didn't see the rage she had at even the slightest thing.
I tried to disappear. Not make any noise so maybe she would forget I was there. I got great grades and didn't get in trouble. But there was always a trigger to set her off. She verbally and physically hurt me.
As a teen I tried to tell her that she needed help. That her drinking made her mean. And there were snippets of time where she actually tried to give it up. And I was able to see her smile in a different way...although always cautious. But those times were few and my trust was gone.
After I was married I remember talking to her on the phone and she would end the call by saying I love you to me... And I couldn't say it back. I would hang up the phone and feel bad the whole day. I couldn't say it back to her. But we're supposed to love our mother.
Low and behold on my mother's birthday in 1979 my daughter was born. She was six weeks early. I was so happy to be a Mom but now my daughter's birthday was on the same day as hers. God has a sense of humor of sorts or I guess He was reminding me of how love feels differently in each circumstance. I adored this precious little girl. Did my mother feel the same way when she held me for the first time? I'm certain she did. She hadn't started drinking when I was born. She probably had the same hopes and dreams for me as I had for my daughter. That is the love I hold on to for my mother. She died very young...she was 57. Liver failure.
Now every day I pray that I can forgive my mother. I pray each day to open my heart to her so I can forgive her. She was sick. I know that now. And I hope God can forgive me for withholding my love from her while she was here. I have hope too that when we meet again in the afterlife I will run into her arms and feel the love flow between us that I had yearned for all my life.
Barbara - Forgiveness is hard, but I pray and hope that you can. I held regrets and resentments towards my parents, and when I finally was ready and asked God to forgive me and for me to forgive myself, the release was unbelievable. Praying that you can do this for yourself. God will forgive you, just ask him! He did it for me as I shared several weeks ago. It's not easy! Sending prayers and blessings to you today!
Thank you Anne for your prayers. Many layers have been shed through the years through prayer. As I get closer to my reunion with my Mom I believe with all my heart that God will answer with his love for both of us.
Yes I believe he will. It's in all in HIS time and not ours.
Barb, God has already forgiven you. That’s what is so amazing. When my sister died 5yrs ago I blamed her husband. I actually wanted to go up to him at the hospital and really slap him. Then I realize would it make me feel good or bad. Last year my mom and I talked and she made me realize as well she had to ask for forgiveness as she to had blamed him for her death. I asked God that night to forgive me. It wasn’t his fault really death happens. It’s God who choose on the day that your born when you come in this world and when you go home. God forgave me that night and I’m so happy he did. When you see your mom in heaven take her hand squeeze it and tell her how much you love her. It’s worth it and till then talk to her. She heard you if you listened hard enough she will answer you as well.
Thank you Shari for your encouragement and sharing your story. Back in those days viewing alcoholism as a disease wasn't really out in the open. No google, internet stories to hear what others went through. I felt alone and only saw my friends' mothers who didn't seem to have this issue. Now I can see what it was and open my heart to see her demons. I'm not all the way there but I will continue to ask God to lead my way.
Barbara I feel your feeling right through my heart I was in the same situation as you were when I was younger. I lost my dad at the age of 7 so I had to dwell on my mom to finish raising me. I had a very hard life living with her from this day I feel so ashamed of how I treated her now that she had passed I have many regrets that I can’t take back. She was not a mom that when she tuck you in bed to say good night I love you she would just say sleep tight see you when you wake I would lye in my bed crying my heart knowing that I wasn’t loved and hearing my friends parents tell them mom loves it just ripped my heart out.so I said one day to mom how come you never tell me that you love me.she look at me and said when you show respect to me I will respect and love you. I took those words right to my heart and boy did it ever make me realize what respect was. So I feel terribly ashame of how I treated my mom I pray every day I wish she was here. So every occasion I would go out to the cemetery and sit with her have a talk and tell her how much I love you and miss you. I know I can’t take back tough love from my pass but I do now that I can share all my love to everyone. May gods bless you Barbara and know in your heart that god has already forgiven you I know he did for me and I thank him every day of my life.
We were children Roxanne as Joan has gently reminded me here. We looked to our parents for love. But in their lives they were hurt and their wounds affected us. We both are sadly ashamed of how we responded to our mothers in life. Now we are in on the path of forgiveness through prayer and an intention to repair the wounds of the past. I'm confident that our intentions are heard and that God show us the path to our mother's love when we meet them again.
Absolutely true I’m a true believer when it come to this god has accepted our pass and now he has forgiven us for our future. I’m not religious but I do believe in the one above us.I look up to him every day of my life because he was the one that made me a better person today.
Great story Barbara, but sad for you to grow up in that environment. It certainly seems like you dealt with it very well. When I read the stories from so many of the people here I feel grateful that I never had to experience that kind of heartache in my life. I am also grateful that you and so many others rose above it all and found peace and forgiveness in you life. ❤❤
Thank you Kathleen.❤
I can really relate to your story. You feel so conflicted between love & hate. I know the guilt you wrote about & I still struggle with that. It sounds like you are going on a journey of discovery & forgiveness. I wish you all the very best. 🙏
Thank you Christine for your loving words and wishing me the very best
Thank you Christine. It took a long time to get to this point. Blessings to you.
Oh, Barbara. How I feel for you. A child should find love with their parents but tragically, this does not always happen. It is such a betrayal of the parent- child relationship. Sometimes our parents carry such deep wounds themselves they look to release their pain in whatever way they can. This can manifest in addiction. You have such clarity in understanding that your mother was alcoholic, was sick. In her sickness she wounded you. There is the beginning of healing in this understanding. You desire forgiveness of your mother and yourself. You are on the path. May you find the special freedom that comes with forgiveness.
Joan, your words mean so much to me. You somehow looked into the window of my childhood and saw how I felt then but wasn't mature enough to quite understand why. I'm grateful to you for taking the time to help me see my wounded child and for extending me grace in my journey toward forgiveness and ultimately the love God always intended for us.
Barbara, You are kind, strong and gracious. Years ago a wise woman told me that in times of pain and confusion I could always tap into the vision of our loving God providing comfort and solace. I have envisioned myself as a wounded child being embraced in the loving arms of God, a God that is there for us always. It is a source of great peace and comfort.
This vision comforts me Joan. I will borrow your wise woman's message in my journey through this pain and confusion. Thank you for sharing that with me.
I might put a bit of a slight different spin on this one...I feel I have to give myself tough love first. Whether that is distancing myself from someone that is toxic, leaving a situation that is not uplifting, or even changing a habit that is harmful. I do feel that grace from God gives me the strength to put boundaries in place for myself and then I can begin to put boundaries in place with others. Filling my bucket first and then being able to fill someone else's bucket is key to genuine love. Filling someone's cup may mean that you are having to be tough when you love them. I have had this personally with my two daughters many times. Many tears in my bed, in my car and in the shower crying out to God to give me the strength to love them with grace. Tough love comes from a place of vulnerability. If I am honest with myself, then I can reach deep to love another with open arms even when I am not loved back. In Donny Mac's song, "Teach Me to Love" rings true when I think of tough love..."I'm afraid to love those who keep breaking my heart." I have to rise above the fear with God's strength to love others even when it is the toughest thing to do! Blessings to all as we all gain strength daily and even minute by minute many days.💪 💝
Tricia - that is true. It goes both ways!
Beautiful said!💕
Hi Graham, Thank you for sharing this tender message of love. It seeped into my aching heart. The phrase “tough love” to me has always been such a contrast. Limits and boundaries, restricted. Unconditional love does have “conditions” or restrictions at times. I know the pain of tough love both in giving and receiving. Love shouldn’t be hard, but in reality at times it is. I reflect this morning on 1 Corinthians - Love is patient, is kind, does not envy, does not boast, is not rude……and place Tough Love at the beginning of each sentence, Tough love is patient, Tough love is kind, Tough love does not envy, Tough love does not boast….
To love and be loved is the ultimate gift. For you to love this community and express it, is precious. Again, thank you, much love to you and all who rest their hearts here. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
So true💕
When I think of tough love so many thoughts come to mind. But the one that stands out is the idea of being strong enough to let go of someone you love because you understand it’s what is best for both of you. You finally realize that you cannot force the changes that are needed and nothing will get better until that person is ready for it to happen.
Several years ago my oldest nephew became addicted to pain medication after an injury playing basketball. It started slowly and if any of the family noticed, we chose to ignore it. We couldn’t believe our smart, athletic young man would ever get involved with drugs. As time went by the addiction grew and we tried to get him into rehab but he wasn’t interested. So, we tried to “help” by looking the other way and hoping it would get better because he always told us he would stop. After a few years of him neglecting his family, using his grandmother’s credit card without permission, spending time in jail and us paying for lawyers we realized it couldn’t go on. He wasn’t ready to do what was necessary to make himself well. We, as a family, decided we had to walk away because it was badly affecting all of us. That was a very difficult thing to do.
Almost a year ago, after five years of no contact with him and countless prayers for healing he contacted me. He apologized for everything he put us through, said he missed our very close family and wanted to try and win back our trust. He had been in rehab for several months and was now working for an amazing Christian man. At that time he had been clean and sober 14 months.
My family has established contact again and things are going well so far. But trust has been slow to return and he understands that. He remains clean and sober at this time. The tough love was a very difficult choice for all of us but thankfully we’ve seen positive results.
Tough love is never giving up, no matter how difficult the situation. Thank goodness there is such a thing as tough love. Enduring love always wins 💕
Leigh, my family had to make the same decision with my addicted grandson. It was so hard to know he was on the street, eating out of garbage cans but we could no longer tolerate the lies, the stealing, emotional abuse so we had to let him go. Though you want to trust, there is a nibbling in the brain that just won't turn loose completely. My grandson has been clean for 3 years so I share your joy in the recovery. We, and they ,have to live one day at a time praying that God will give them the continued strength to move forward.....Thanks for sharing your story.
A tough thing to have to go through. Thank God it all worked out. 🙏
I get exactly what you are saying Leigh. I experienced the same type of issue with a family member. Boundaries (Tough Love) had to be set. In fact I had to be the one to set them after our mother passed. It is SO hard but a must.
Tough Love how can I relate to this ?? I had to think back some and then the most obvious hit me. My Mom was a smoker, something that I despised and never did in my life. At a point in her later life she began to experience bout after bout of bronchitis
I tried so hard to convince her " Mom you have got to quit smoking ". I raised my voice and got downright mean with her. Didn't help. She was so blind to it all I couldn't convince her. So now those bronchitis bouts turned into pneumonia. Again tough love I got REALLY mean an yelled at her and I cried with her .Normally I would never speak to my mother that way but I was so desperate to get through to her. I thought if I could scare her maybe I could help her to understand. I was only 13yrs old when my Father died and I wasn't ready to lose my Mother. She did eventually quit but it was too late for now she had progressed to emphysema on continuous oxygen. She suffered and died long before she should have and I feel like we missed out on time we could have spent together with all the grandchildren. God does all things for a reason but sometimes it is truly hard to understand why. We just have to BELIEVE!!
So sorry for your loss. I had a friend who had cancer from smoking & she continued to smoke during her treatments etc. It's so hard when they don't listen to reason, so I can empathise with you. I gave her some tough love, but unfortunately it didn't work & she ended up dying. I wish I could've done more, but we can only try our best. As you wrote, 'God does all things for a reason'. Take care. 🙏
Thanks for sharing!!
Amen Kathleen!
Just read your poem but not listened to video yet as I'm out. Oh goodness I totally get this. I have been that person, the one who loves too much and too well, too tightly, too overwhelming. My eldest son has tried hard to break free and has married 3 times - he is still searching outside himself for that love even now, even though I've set him free. He doesn't know he is free. The door of his prison is open - he still has to fly. My own trauma has caused me to become everyone's 'savoiur' and not my own! Now I totally understand and have offered myself the love that I've so freely given to others. Now my boundaries are set, and they have been challenged in so many ways the past month- yet I am standing firm. I am becoming wholly my true self. It is so freeing. My prayer is that the Light I have found will overflow in service to the world. You have helped me more than you will ever know. Many blessings 🙌 and love ❤
So glad you have found your path to your true self. 🙏
TOUGH LOVE CAN BRING YOU CLOSER TO SOMEONE AND THEN BOUNDARIES NEED TO BE ENFORCED. IF YOU NEED TO BACK OFF DO SO WITH THE PERSON IN YOUR REAR VIEW MIRROR SO THAT YOU NEVER LOSE SIGHT OF THEM. OFTEN THE PAIN THAT YOU FEEL IS MORE INTENSE THAN THE PERSON YOU ARE SHOWING TOUGH LOVE FEELS. THAT IS OK. PAIN IS NECESSARY TO WARN, TO MAKE THE PRESENT REAL AND THEN TO HEAL. NEVER GIVE UP JUST BACKOFF.
That is exactly how I felt many years when my mother said those words to me! I know it hurt her to say those words to me than what I felt. She loved me that much to say them.
I feel like you are talking me me Doc Lol
Now Graham Wardle I just hung up the phone from my brother I got him crying on the other end he was so blessed to hear that from me just now he said Roxanne my heart is so full right now to hear you say I love you. And I truly loves him with all my heart and soul. I feel you should tell everyone that they are loved because it make that person feel so great that you had touch there heart today. Now I have to make a call to my other 2 brothers and make them cry to. I just have so much love for my 3 brothers.❤️❤️❤️💜💜💜
I'm so happy for you!
Thank you Anne much appreciated I am so blessed that I have changed my love in so many ways.